Only
by SeiferAlmasy86
Summary: When Cloud looks in the mirror he see's Zax's reflection instead of his own...leading him to recall the time he spent with the man. LEMON, YAOI


Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, or Nine Inch Nail's song "Only"

A/N: I'm in an angsty and smutty mood to say in the least, let me know what you think of this oneshot.

_I'm becoming less defined as days go by  
Fading away  
And well you might say  
I'm losing focus  
__Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself_

A half hearted smile graced the blonde's face as he watched the blood from his freshly cut wrists

spill onto the marble tiled bathroom floor. A soft whimper escaped past his trembling lips, the pain

overthrowing any emotional pain and those nagging thoughts in the back of his mind. Mako blue eyes

began to water, however this went unnoticed by the distraught man. Adverting his gaze from his wounded

wrists the blonde looked into the mirror, instead of seeing himself, he saw a raven haired man with royal

blue eyes, chisled features, sun kissed skin, and an easy going smile. Cloud immediately closed his eyes.

_Sometimes I think I can see right through myself  
Sometimes I can see right through myself_

Memories of the raven haired beauty overwhelmed Cloud. The word's the man said, the way he told corny

jokes just to lighten the mood and make everyone laugh...to make the tension cease. However when called

upon for missions, the 1st class SOLDIER became deadly, swift, and thorough. His royal blue eyes changed

from full of life and mirth to those of a cut off, cold blooded assassian. Sighing Cloud slid down the wall he was

leaning upon. He could remember when he was only a cadet and how Zax had taken him under his wing.

_Less concerned about fitting into the world  
Your world that is  
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore  
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)  
No it doesn't really matter anymore  
None of this really matters anymore_

flash back

"You've got to lighten up Cloud." Zax said as he ruffled the small blonde's unruly locks.

Smacking the offending hand away, Cloud scoffed. "Why should I need to?" adverting his eyes he continued "You talk enough for everyone anyways although half the shit you talk about is either stupid or perverted."

Royal blue eyes crinkled, in amusement. "Ahh...but those stupid and perverted comments get people to laugh."

Looking at his commanding officer, the blonde found himself half heartedly smiling. "Yeah...they do.."

Ruffling the spiky blonde locks once more Zax chuckled "Well Spike, C'mon we don't wanna keep seph waiting"

end of flash back

_Yes I am alone but then again I always was  
As far back as I can tell  
I think maybe it's because  
Because you were never really real to begin with  
I just made you up to hurt myself_

Tears now falling freely down pale cheeks, the young man let out a sob. " I miss you.." he whispered

flash back

Laying on the hotel's bed, Zax sighed softly as he stared at the ceiling, completely bored out of his mind.

The younger boy had decided to take a shower, however the blonde had been occupying the bathroom for nearly and hour now. Sighing again, he squinted his eyes attempting to see if there were any patterns in the ceiling tile...much like some people do when they lay on their back staring at the clouds in the sky. Hearing the bathroom door open, he sat up watching the blonde as he walked out wearing nothing but a towel. Royal blue eyes widened at the sight. Clearly making out the waterdrops upon the boys soft pale skin, the way the toned muscles rippled with every movement. Groaning, Zax flopped back down on the bed, covering his eyes with an arm hoping it would stop the blood flow to his groin. When the bed shifted and the aroma of strawberries wafted his way. Zax rolled over on his side, turning his back to the blonde, not wanting Cloud to realize his discomfort.

_I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah  
And I just made you up to hurt myself _

And it worked.  
Yes it did!

"Zax?" Cloud whispered slightly upset at the elder man's actions. "Is there something wrong? Did I do it?"

' Yes...there's something wrong...I'm hard as a rock.. I want to fuck you senseless.' Zax thought.

"Nothing is wrong, Spike." he murmured " I'm just tired."

Cloud frowned, looking at the raven haired man's back. " I understand that, I'm tired as well. However you've never slept with your back to me before..." he pointed out. Sighing he reached out running his fingers through the elder man's silky locks. Completely caught off guard when the SOLDIER jumped, scooting further away.

" Don't." Zax spoke huskily, his eyes clenched closed.

Scowling, Cloud grabbed Zax by his shoulder, pulling the elder man closer. He then grabbed ahold of his friend's face forcing the Soldier to look at him. "Open your eyes and look at me." the blonde demanded

Royal blue eyes opened, staring directly into the blonde's own mako blue ones, lust and passion hazing his vision, Zax rolled over onto his back, pulling Cloud ontop of him. "Now do you understand?" he asked

_There is no you  
There is only me  
There is no you  
There is only me  
There is no fucking you  
There is only me  
There is no fucking you  
There is only me _

Only

Cloud's eyes widened as he felt Zax's arousal. Feeling his face flush, he began to squirm trying to get away from his friend's grasp. " Were...were..you..thinking...of...of...a...gi.girl?" he stammered

The elder man laughed softly, gentle cupping the blonde's face he pressed his lips against the blonde's. His tongue slipped out of his mouth, licking the pink pouting lips of the man above him...silently asking for permission to go further. Groaning Zax let go of Cloud's face, only to slip his hands underneath the back of the blonde's pajama shirt, his finger tips ghosting across the baby soft skin. Cloud remained in shock, until he felt those teasing caresses, whimpering, he parted his lips giving his friend access to his mouth. He could feel a pleasent warmth travel down to his groin...trembling, he unconsciously pressed himself against Zax.

"Ahh...eager aren't you?" Zax murmured against Cloud's lips.

Picking Cloud up, Zax gently laid the blonde on the bed, smirking sexily as he slowly stripped the blonde's pajama pants off of his lithe frame. A dark eyebrow raised as he looked back up to the boy. "No underwear?" gently spreading cloud's thighs, he leaned down, pressing his lips against the inner thigh..kissing, and nipping at it. Cloud moaned softly, his eyes focused on the elder. "Wha-what are you going to do?"

Zax ceased his task at Cloud's innocent question. "Patience...you'll see." he replied as he straddled the boys hips, unbuttoning the pajama top, cloud lifted his body a little allowing zax to remove it. Throwing the pajama shirt onto the floor. The raven haired man removed his own shirt, then unstraddled the boy, to stand up stripping out of his pants and boxers. Quirking an eyebrow he climbed back onto the bed, placing his head between his lover's spread legs. A pink tongue snaked out, licking the underneath of Cloud's hard member, using his left hand he gently massaged the blonde's sac. Cloud gasped, grabbing a pillow he covered his face smothering his cries. Smirking Zax flicked his tongue across the head, rewarded by more moaning and taking it as encouragement, he thrusted his tongue into the slit of the blonde's cock, moaning as he lapped the precum up.

Cloud removed the pillow from his face looking down at the man, his lips parted soft pants escaping past them.

"Stop...teasing." he said, his voice hoarse.

"Ahh. Patience, it only gets better." Zax murmured between licks to the blonde's cock.

"Zax...please...just...fuck...me...NOW.."

Blinking, Zax looked at Cloud surprised by his bluntness. "Ok..." he once again climbed off the bed, picking up his pants he rummaged through his pockets, smiling when he pulled out a bottle of lubricant. Climbing back on the bed, he spread cloud's legs further apart. Snapping open the lid of the lube, he poured some on his fingers, coating them generously. " This will hurt at first," he informed "If you relax it won't hurt as much." _  
_

_Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab  
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad  
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab  
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut  
But I climbed through_

Pressing his finger against Cloud's puckered enterance, gently pushing past the tight ring, he felt Cloud tighten around his finger, whimpering. Snapping his eyes up to the blondes he smiled "Relax...I promise it'll feel better." He watched as Cloud adverted his attention elsewhere trying to relax, feeling the blonde's muscles unclench he sighed softly, now thrusting his finger in and out of the blonde, Zax curled the tip of his finger, seeking out the boy's prostate. Licking his lips he kept moving the tip of his finger back and forth, striking a certain spot, he watched as the blonde jerked, and threw his head back further. ' Well, well...looks like i found it ' he thought, now purposely rubbing his finger against the blonde's prostate. Royal blue eyes half lidded as he watched his friend writhe on the sheets, a thin layer of sweat coating his slender body. Groaning Zax thrusted a second finger into Cloud. The blonde's eyes widened arching his back, a small pink tongue darted past his lips making them moist, Zax groaned, and looked down at his cock that was begging for release. Removing his fingers, he moved in between the boys legs, pressing the head of his cock against his lover's enterance. His larger body over Cloud's smaller frame, he paused, crushing his lips to the blonde's as he swiftly thrusted himself inside the boy. Busying Cloud, to get his mind off of any pain he felt, he mover his mouth from the blonde's lips to his right ear, softly nipping at his friend's ear lobe, he then ran his hot, slick tongue over the outer shell of Cloud's ear. The blonde shivered, and wrapped his arms around the raven haired man's neck. "Move." he whispered. Zax smiled at him, more than willing to oblige to the younger male's wishes, he pulled out, only to thrust back in, creating a slow, gentle rhythm. Moaning softly, Cloud removed his arms from Zax's neck, only to dig his fingernails in the elder man's back, scraping the soft sun kissed skin with every thrust.

"..ore...More..." he choked out hoarsely.

Zax grunted, thrusting harder and deeper than before, angling his hips just right so the tip of his cock strokd against the blonde's prostate with every thrust. Cloud cried out, thrusting himself back onto Zax's hard dick, demanding more. Moaning lowly in his throat the Soldier buried his face in the crook of Cloud's neck, noisily kissing and sucking on the pale, soft skin, his thrusts now rapid, yet hard jerks of the hips. Panting softly he lifted his head and looked down at Cloud, pressing his lips against the blonde's he hungrily slipped his tongue past those open and panting lips, balancing himself on his right arm, he slid his left one between them, his long fingers wrapping around the boy's cock. Stroking it in the same rapid, rhythm as his thrusts.

Cloud's grip on Zax's shoulder's tightened, as he cried out arching his back, releasing his hot sticky cum all over the tan man's abomen and hand. Zax groaned throatily as he thrusted in the blonde for the final time, his body trembling as he released his seed deep with in the boy. Panting, the elder man pulled out and rolled off of Cloud, smiling warmly he ran his fingers through the unruly blonde locks. Without saying anything he pulled cloud closer to him, wrapping his tan arms around the blonde's lithe body. "You're beautiful." he whispered in his friend's ear. Cloud only smiled and relaxed into the man's embrace. Yawning, he closed his eyes, falling asleep listening to the gentle beating of Zax's heart.

end of flash back

_Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see  
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why  
Things aren't as pretty  
On the inside_

Teeth clattering, Cloud opened his eyes looking back down at his wrists which were still bleeding. Tear tracks shown on his face, the white of his eyes slightly red, sighed. Licking his dried, cracked and cool lips. He never told Zax how he felt, he never had the chance to. Only a couple days after their lovemaking, was the incident with Sephiroth burning Nibelhiem down. Shuddering, he remembered those five years Zax and himself remained in the mako tubes as hojo experimented on them...he recalled how he had reacted negatively to the solution, how Zax freed them both...doing everything in his power to protect him. Closing his eyes...he would always be haunted by the image of Zax dieing...and the confession of love upon his trembling lips. The way those royal blue eyes held no life...he couldn't even hold on to hear Cloud's own admittance. Laying his head against the wall, Cloud sighed. Nothing went back to normal, yes, he made a difference in the world and rescued innocent lives. He also completely turned his back to Shin-Ra, and of course the general he once idolized.

Slumping onto the cool marble, Cloud felt everything slip away, those constant thoughts, those nagging thoughts in the back of his mind, were no more...he could no longer gaze in the mirror and see his lover's reflection instead of himself.

_  
_Owari

A/N: geez, it took me a good 4 hours to write this, true it isn't much but i was stumbling over how to word some of it...especially the lemon part. Well I hope you guys liked it. Please review!


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